Jerry Seinfeld descended on Prince George last Thursday slinging his particular brand of observational humour to a sold-out crowd at the CN Centre.
Covering such topics as going to a show, deathbeds, dehydration, energy drinks, technology and marriage he kept the crowd in rolling fits of laughter for the duration of the 90-minute set.
Before settling into his act, however, he had a few words directed at Prince George itself.
“How do you take the excitement of living here all the time!” he began.
“What a place! What a feeling!
“The hockey ... the people ... that’s about it.”
The crowd roared and rarely fell silent to the end of the show.
He quickly congratulated the audience for making it to the show at all.
Waxing over the nuances of finding your seat in a dark arena and making fun of people who showed up late, while explaining how important he thinks his job is as comedian.
“I basically distract you while you enjoy sitting in a different chair,” Seinfeld explained.
“As soon as you’re done here you’re going to go find somewhere else to go sit down.”
He then let the audience in on his theory that we are eventually going to evolve into chairs ourselves.
The only piece of furniture that trumps a chair, according to Seinfeld, is the bed, except for the deathbed.
“Why do people even buy a deathbed?” he postulated.
“Where is that section of the furniture store anyway?”
One fairly improbable way to arrive on a deathbed is dehydration, the comedian said.
“This has never happened to anyone,” Seinfeld said.
“Wouldn’t I get thirsty first?
“According to the fitness people on TV if you’re already thirsty you’re too late.
“At that point you just try to catch the dried up pieces of your face as they fall off.”
To avoid dehydration some people turn to energy drinks, specifically the five-hour variety, which to Seinfeld is confusing.
“That’s a weird amount of time,” he announced.
“Who out there’s working one to six?
“What does it even feel like to be in deficit of five hours of energy?
“If you need five hours of energy, go to bed.”
Then he switched gears to a more traditional energy drink.
“Are we getting enough Tim Hortons?” he asked the crowd.
“Remember the concept of the coffee break?
“Now the coffee break is the 10 minutes of the day when we’re not drinking coffee.”
What sets Seinfeld apart from most other comedians is his ability to get laughs without using curse words.
But that doesn’t mean he avoids controversial topics, like technology or marriage.
“How about the makers of technology go one month without releasing new products,” he said.
“That way whatever you have during that month is good enough.”
Facebook hasn’t escaped Seinfeld’s purview.
“Another great trash-receptacle of human time,” he noted, adding the use of the word book is sadly misplaced.
Seinfeld is 59, has been married for 13 years, has three kids and does not shy away from letting people in on his private thoughts on marital bliss.
“When I was single I had no married friends because I found there lives to be pathetic and depressing and now that I’m married I find my single friend’s lives to be meaningless and trivial,” he said.
“In both cases I believe I am correct.”
He also shared with the crowd his definition of marriage.
“Marriage is like playing chess,” Seinfeld said.
“Only the board is water and the pieces are smoke.
“I highly recommend it.”
He added that marriage is all about listening.
“A lot of wives complain about husbands not listening,” he said.
“I’ve never heard my wife say anything about this.
“Although she may have.”